It seems time to think can lead me down one of two paths - filling the emotional suitcase or emptying the baggage.
It really is the perfect metaphor for my overthinking, daydreaming mind. I have had a fair bit of time lately where I have been in forced quiet space. I am seriously doing my own head in. Incapacitated to where I can not do things I would normally do , I have been pacing around like a prowling tiger. I can hear my mothers voice in the background when she would warn me "you're just looking for trouble" And I do believe I am.
That's how I feel at the moment caged, twitchy, on edge, just very strange and out of sorts. Maybe it's the Covid lifestyle, possibly it is that I have no purpose or structure in my life due to temporarily recuperating at home . My night time brain is doing head miles and I swear I have developed far flung ideas for at least two books in my head. Usually I can weed my garden, change my lounge room, visit friends or immerse my self in work projects but at present my living life is kind of stifled and I am not liking it one bit. If I wish to be a lazy sloth then that is a choice I like to make and often do, but that choice is at present taken from me.
So here I am with plenty of that once longed for time on my hands and all I'm doing is complaining , seriously Jan !! - so why is it I wonder. You see now I have no excuses to do an awful lot of things I could still be doing - like maybe writing. For a person who wrote in her journal daily I haven't done so for a very long time - since May in fact , which is very out of character for me. My daily journal writing is how I defrag my world and emotions and yet I have been so over my own head space I have left my beautiful pages blank. I have however ordered a ridiculous amount of pretty writing things on line to amuse myself - (looking for trouble you might say). I am under the false impression this will inspire me . In the meantime ......
Copies of my book The Suitcase are still being sent far and wide across our land and this is a wonderful diversion. I have had some really interesting feedback and conversations around the book from those who know me and those who don't . This also opens up a whole new road trip of head miles . It is funny really as in a strange way I sometimes forget that I have put a part of my life out into the universe and hence am open to new conversations or perceptions. I think when this whole Covid lock down disconnect is over I shall have a delightful Q&A session to celebrate the book and answer all the questions in one go - lots of questions.
Interestingly the majority of questions revolve around a chapter I wrote that took three months to write, 4 drafts and 20,000 + words. After all that work whilst locked away in Anglesea, walking along bush tracks or beach trails in solitude whilst overthinking life , I deleted it from the book - it shall always be the missing chapter for reasons that are mine. Maybe because I am in the mood to look for trouble I shall tinker with it again and add it in the follow up "Unpacking the Suitcase". These are the sort of 3 AM thoughts I have and I have no idea where they all come from some days.
Maybe the anaesthetic from my operation has opened up some strange portal of thought processes in my brain, or is it the doom , gloom and misery being thrown at us from all angles on the daily news cycles that is rattling me. The lack of doing is certainly affecting my ability to distract from my own thoughts. I wonder who else is feeling this strange malaise and oddness with the simple world ? I fear when we are disconnected from our tribe, from what we know and feel safe in, when it is shuffled around us with no clear end game, we then start to look at ourselves, our inner world - we may even start to look for new trouble .. It has also lead me to look at the #thingsIvalue and as I am confined to my own space dear lord I really value physicality - having the strength of body to just do stuff - weed, dance, clean, work, sit for longer than an hour , go for a walk .That is the lesson I have learnt as I am a great believer in always learning a daily lesson - value your physical it provides the food for your mental well being and it can also distract you from looking for trouble :)
May you find some solid ground in these strange times and keep out of trouble :)
xx Jan
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